Originally submitted to The Exchange.
Published with permission. Names and identifying details have been changed.
Over the last several years, I've become the dependable one in nearly every part of my life.
At work, that has opened doors I never imagined. At home, it means I am usually the one who remembers birthdays, checks in on everyone, and notices what needs to be done before anyone asks.
None of this happened because someone forced it on me. In many ways, it is the life I built.
The part that has become harder to admit is what happens when I finally have time to myself.
I do not really know what I enjoy anymore.
I immediately start looking for the next thing that needs my attention, even when there is nothing urgent to do.
I have tried saying no more often. I have taken vacations. I have tried creating more time for myself. It helps briefly, but before long I become the dependable one again.
I do not think I am looking for permission to rest.
I think I am trying to remember who I was before everyone needed me.
Dear Friend,
One sentence stayed with me after I finished reading your letter.
I do not think I am looking for permission to rest.
I believe you.
Because I am not sure rest is what you are missing.
I think it may be recognition.
Not recognition from other people. Recognition from yourself.
There is something quietly compelling about becoming the dependable person. The world rewards it. People trust you. You become someone others can lean on.
Little by little, that identity begins answering questions before you have even asked them.
An afternoon appears, and instead of wondering what might interest you, your attention starts scanning for what still needs to be carried.
Not because anyone asked.
Because that is the version of yourself you have practiced becoming.
That does not mean you have disappeared. It may mean you have become so accustomed to looking outward that looking inward now feels unfamiliar.
Those are very different things.
I would not begin by asking what you should do with more free time. That can be a surprisingly difficult question when you have not asked it in years.
I would begin smaller.
Notice what holds your attention when nobody expects anything from you.
Not what feels productive. Not what would impress anyone. Just what makes you forget to check the clock.
You may not need to recover a former version of yourself. You may only need enough quiet to notice the person who is still here.
Being dependable is a beautiful thing.
It just cannot be the only way you know yourself.
Warmly,
Calyn
"I've told myself I'll begin when life settles down for so long that I'm starting to wonder whether I'm waiting for the right time or avoiding the possibility that I might fail."
"My life looks almost exactly the way I once hoped it would. I'm grateful for it. I just don't understand why I feel increasingly absent from it."
If you are carrying a question that has been difficult to put into words, you are welcome to write.
Every letter is read. Some receive a response. If I ever believe our conversation could help others, I will ask before anything is shared.
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