Originally submitted to The Exchange.
Published with permission. Names and identifying details have been changed.
For almost four years, I have been saying that I want to begin something of my own.
The idea has changed slightly over time, but the feeling has not. I keep notebooks. I save articles. I make plans late at night and feel certain that I am finally ready.
Then morning comes, and my regular life resumes.
There is always a reasonable explanation.
Work is busy. The children need more from me. We should save more money first. I should learn a little more before putting anything into the world.
None of those reasons are invented. That is what makes this difficult.
I cannot tell whether I am being responsible or whether I have found a respectable way to remain afraid.
How do you know when waiting is wise and when it has become avoidance?
Dear Friend,
I do not think waiting and avoidance are opposites.
That may be why they are so difficult to distinguish.
Both can look responsible from the outside. Both can be explained with good reasons. Both can involve careful thought, preparation, and patience.
The difference may be found in what the waiting is producing.
Wise waiting is usually active.
Something is being prepared, strengthened, saved, learned, or made more possible. Even when movement is slow, there is evidence that you are getting closer.
Avoidance often produces more waiting.
The research expands. The conditions become increasingly specific. The beginning moves just far enough ahead that it never has to become real.
You may not need to decide whether every reason you have is valid. Most of them probably are.
The better question might be whether they require you to do nothing.
Could you keep the job and begin with one hour?
Could you protect the savings and make one small version?
Could you remain responsible without requiring yourself to feel completely ready?
Sometimes we wait for fear to leave because we assume readiness will feel calm.
It often does not.
Sometimes readiness is the moment you decide fear is no longer allowed to make every decision.
You do not have to risk the whole life you have built.
But you may need to risk one ordinary evening.
Then another.
Eventually, the life you keep imagining needs somewhere to begin.
Warmly,
Calyn
"I've become the dependable one in nearly every part of my life. Lately, I've started wondering whether I know who I am when nobody needs anything from me."
"My life looks almost exactly the way I once hoped it would. I'm grateful for it. I just don't understand why I feel increasingly absent from it."
If you are carrying a question that has been difficult to put into words, you are welcome to write.
Every letter is read. Some receive a response. If I ever believe our conversation could help others, I will ask before anything is shared.
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